hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize