she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
