wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
