Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
