he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
