when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
