i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
