my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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