I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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