Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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