Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
