whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
