Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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