Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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