Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
