Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
