is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We are all done wearing pants today
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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