I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Are my feet made of real feet?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
