I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
