im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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