Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
