I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
