I just saw a hot homeless man
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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