I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
