i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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