My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
