he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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