when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
