My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ketchup is God's man juice
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
