i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
