My underwear smells like fireworks.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
