I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
