today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
