Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
