I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
