two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Your cock deserves a montage
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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