remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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