just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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