Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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