god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
