You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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