Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
