True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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