If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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