she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
