Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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