At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
