My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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