I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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