I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
