What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
