I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize