The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
