Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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