I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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