when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
