Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
