Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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